From an early age, my sons displayed symptoms of the medical condition known as ‘being evil’. I blame this on numerous bedtime readings of Where the Wild Things Are, a book about a child who attacks a dog with fork, threatens to cannibalise his mother and then runs away for a year.
What kind of message is that?
Anyway, one Saturday afternoon I was peacefully napping in front of Die Hard 3 – Die Hard with a Vengence when Martha tapped me on the shoulder. She pointed at our living room wall which was now covered in a brownish-yellow abstract mural of a three years old’s thought process.
“That’s crayon, right?” I looked at Martha.
“I think we need to start disciplining them,” She said.
I paused the sinster visage of Jeremy Irons and nodded. Time to punish the children. What were our options?
Flaying a child’s back with a birch cane had fallen out of fashion. Locking them in the attic was out – we don’t have onec and it’s not the 19th century. Yet there was something, some cruel and unusual torture in the back of my head that a parent could still use to chastise his offspring. What was it?
“The naughty step,” Martha nodded.
I slapped my forehead. Or course, the naughty step. Make the gremlins sit in a corner looking at a wall, just like that woman at the end of the Blair Witch Project. Perhaps we could do it in the basement and I could record it with a hand held camera. I’d have to dig a basement first, but after that me and the boys could finally realise my dream of making a found footage film together.
“Boo,” My wife interrupted. “Just explain the naughty step to them.”
I nodded. There was a pause.
“You do understand want the naughty step is?” She asked.
I scoffed. It’s a seat where you put naughty kids. How hard could it be? Leaping up, i grabbed our trusty IKEA Bekvam stool and placed it in the corner of our bijou utility room. Then I herded the two cherubs known as Jimmy and Matty to the scene of the crime.
“Who did this?” I said firmly, pointing to the grim mess on the wall
Twenty minutes later, after a long and emotional appeals process, the court of North Korean Dad sentenced his children to the gulag of the utility room. How they trembled as I escorted them to meet their fate.
“This,” I said, waving a hand towards the Bekvam. “Is the naughty step.”
Jimmy looked up at me, all innocence and light.
“What’s a naughty step?”
A red glow came from my eyes. What indeed. Finally, after all these years of tantrums and inappropriate behaviour, they were old enough to learn the meaning of regret. I was Darth Vader and the force was strong in me.
“Here,” I brushed my finger slowly over the hard wooden seat. “Is where you will be put, on your own, whenever you are naughty.”
Jimmy looked at Matty. Then at me. Then at the stool.
“I love it,” he said, sitting himself down.
Eh?
“I love it. It’s the best step ever.”
“No it isn’t,” I snapped.
“I want a go,” Matty chipped in.
“No you don’t.”
“Matty,” Jimmy raised his palm. “I’ll have first go, then you. Then Dad.”
“It’s the naughty step!” I cried. “It’s a horrible punishment.”
The cherubs began to discuss what system they would use to take turns on the naughty step. They concluded that they should each have their own naughty step and what kind of a parent was I for not thinking of this. Then Matty bit Jimmy and Jimmy started crying and then Matty bit him again.
“Out,” I shouted.
“But what about our step?” They chorused.
“Out!”
They ran to their room weeping long tears of sorrow for the lost naughty step.
Defeated, I sat down on the Bekvam. It was suddenly quiet and peaceful. Why hadn’t I noticed how restful the utility room was before? I discovered that if I leaned forward I could lay my head on the washing machine. The metal was cool on my cheek. This place wasn’t a prison; it was a man cave, a halcyon oasis of peace. I drifted off…
…then Martha was tapping me again.
“Matty’s blocked the toilet with kitchen paper,” She said.
Bleary eyed I got up to fill out the adoption papers. Or unblock the toiler. I can’t remember, but this ends the tale of the naughty step.
NB. If you actually want to go all Blair Witch on your kids, here are some links oh how to use the naughty step technique :
http://www.jofrost.com/naughty-step-technique/
For kitchen paper in the loo blockages, try these handy solutions:
http://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/showthread.php?t=818091
the guilt free parent 